Girl Talk · Lists · Wondering

If my dog was my boyfriend

I mean this in the least weird way possible. I do not fancy my dog. I just feel he possess the qualities which would make the perfect boyfriend – If his traits could be transplanted into a human male he would be a real catch. Max is a Golden Retriever and one of the gentlest souls I’ve ever come across. He will lay there calmly while the cat uses his slowly wagging tail as a fun feathery toy to bat and bite. He senses if anybody in the family is ill and rests his heavy head on their laps, staring up at them with concern saturating his chocolate velvet eyes. He is so sensitive and pure and docile and I think he’s a romantic at heart (Would go as far as writing you poetry if he could, is devastated that his paws just can’t get to grips with a pen). Here is a list of all the qualities in my dog which would make him the ideal boyfriend.

1. He would be so overwhelmingly pleased to see you all the time, even if you’ve only been apart for fifteen minutes. It would be a massive ego boost and he’d make you feel like the most important person in the world.

2. He’d be nice to all your friends. He’d greet them quite happily and never get jealous of you leaving him behind to go out with them. Though I’d have to draw the line at him trying to lick their faces as that would be a little too over-friendly.

3. He wouldn’t judge you if you decided to stay in your pajamas for 3 days watching shit reality TV shows with your hand permanently buried in a pack of Doritos. He wouldn’t ask you to snap out of it and join him in various outgoing activities. He’d happily join you and accept the odd snack thrown to him as thanks for his company. I’m not very good at food-sharing so delegating how many crisps he would be allowed is vital in this relationship.

4. He’d say nice things to you all the time. I mean, I can tell by the way he looks at me that he’s just thinking all these wonderfully loving things about how amazing I am. He would adore you and follow you around everywhere, which might get a bit annoying and obsessive but its absolutely fine because he doesn’t get too offended if you decide to make him go outside for a while to give you some space.

5. He wouldn’t cheat on you. Contrary to the idea that most male dogs enjoy furiously humping toys/legs, Max has never displayed any inclination towards sexual activity whatsoever. Well there was just one time he did try to mount a Collie at the beach but I’ve forgiven him for this and we’ve brushed it off as a moment of bad judgement. He’d be fiercely loyal to you and you’d have no worries about him leaving you for someone else (partly because the tag on his collar has your name and address on it so your ownership over him is considered final).

There would of course be downsides to having a boyfriend like Max. I think he’d be the needy sort to tragically eye you from across the room if you hadn’t been paying him enough attention. He’d also probably be so brimming with romance at all times that you’d become concerned over his mental state because who could possibly love you this much even when you’re hungover and in a vile mood? And then there would be the other technicalities of a dog becoming human, like teaching him that cocking his leg to pee on the street is no longer acceptable…Though I have actually seen far too many men actually displaying this behavior so perhaps it wouldn’t be too bad. Maybe men and dogs are more alike than I first thought.

Oh I forgot to mention, he's handsome too
Oh I forgot to mention, he’s handsome too

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