I like to tell myself that most people out there have racked up at least a few occasions on which they’ve been inappropriately intoxicated. I like to tell myself this mainly because I am a prime culprit of finding myself obscenely drunk when I really, really shouldn’t be. You know those mornings when you wake up desperately trying to grasp some awareness of last nights antics, fully aware that when you do you will wish you hadn’t. After experiencing many mornings like this myself I have compiled my top 3. Feel free to judge me (I have already judged myself so harshly since these events that I’m sure any external judging would be much kinder).
1. Friends families parties. It’s one thing getting ludicrously drunk at a quiet family gathering when the guests are your own family. It’s entirely another ballgame when you are the drunkest guest at a friends party and surrounded by their family. I like to believe my own family find me quite endearing when I’m over-the-top merry on wine at family BBQ’s and unable to update them on my current life situation because I’m too busy pouring Apple Sour shots for all my 50+ aunts and uncles. They sort of have to accept that there is going to be one lightweight in the family and that responsibility has fallen upon me. I recently found myself, however, at a friends party which was half-full with her relatives. I’d never met them before and am quite positive that my attempts at twerking, alone, in the middle of the garden, will ensure I never meet them again. I would have been happily oblivious to some of the atrocities of my behaviour had my kind friends not uploaded videos onto their Snapchat stories which I spent the entire morning after viewing in horror.The evidence included me in a sort of loving embrace with my friends shoe as I crouched on the ground in front of her. Screenshots of the said videos were of course taken…
2. My Brothers Wedding. Weddings are renowned for being full of pissed people, so this one is a little more acceptable. Only a little more though – Because I don’t think solemnly swaying alone on the dance floor as your dress slowly slips down to reveal your nipples at your brothers wedding could really ever be considered acceptable. Yes, my nipples were exposed as I slow danced with myself. At my brothers wedding. It all began with the dress – A long silky blue princess prom-style affair which was encrusted with sparkles along the bust. These for a start made it heavy. The dress was also strapless. I had it tailored to fit me perfectly and couldn’t wait to wear it until, on the morning of the wedding, I put it on and it just would not stay up. I think I’d lost some weight in between the fitting and the wedding because the silky material just kept sliding down within minutes of putting it on. My mum came up with a genius solution and sewed the inside lining of the dress to the strapless bra I was wearing. This was all well and good until the weight of the fabric began simply taking the bra down with it whenever it started slipping. After performing a short speech at the wedding ceremony (which I am proud to say I was sober for) it was onto the reception and of course it was all systems go on the drinking front. I was shortly very inebriated and all thoughts of having to repeatedly adjust the dress to protect my modesty went out the window. Kindly women clucked around me like mother hens, tugging at my dress whenever they saw it threatening to slip, but in the end I suppose they simply gave up. Overcome with champagne-induced emotions I sashayed my way onto the dance floor, leaving my dignity at the table with the 3 empty glasses I’d just guzzled down. I simply lost all regard for class and let whatever would be…well, be, even if it meant a hall-full of people glimpsing my tits as they made their debut appearance during ‘I Will Always Love You.’ At some point my mum came rushing over to yank my dress back up as I serenely looked down to see my nipples peeping out from the top of it. They probably made several more uninvited appearances throughout the night other than the dance floor fiasco, but I’d like to reserve my fond memory of flashing at my brothers wedding to just the one which had Whitney Houston as a soundtrack, thank you.
3. A 3 year olds birthday party. Now, if you haven’t judged me already, this is going to be it. Yes I was drunk at a 3 year olds’ birthday party and yes there is video evidence which I can without a doubt, 100%, hand on heart say is the most embarrassing footage of me I have ever witnessed. There are no excuses but let me just inform you I hadn’t eaten all day, had just finished work and was on antibiotics. I was also very socially awkward and persistently drank wine (which I banned myself from after this event) to skirt around the fact that there were young men present. I am pleased to report that, despite allegedly following the birthday girl around and questioning her about the presents she’d received, the main event of awful intoxication did not take place in front of the children. The children had gone home apart from a few who remained in the garden and I was left with adults. What comes next is purely taken from the video footage – I have no recollection of it. I was dancing on a chair. Sexually. Dancing sexually on a chair whilst stating ‘I’m being pregnant by myself.’ There is a woman in the corner demanding that I sit down so, I presume to wind her up, I proceed to demonstrate all manner of provocative positions around the chair with a crude running commentary. Whilst reaching forwards and grabbing at the camera I loom forward into the lens and declare ‘Sexual Laaaaaady,’ most probably a title I was awarding to myself. Some other comments made throughout more chair dancing include ‘Sex me up’ and ‘Watch me, are you watching’ as I attempt a seductive grind against a stool. There are numerous stumbles and countless moments where I simply bend over and cackle a dirty laugh while the most prude woman there orders me to pull myself together and marches around the room in sheer disbelief of my behaviour. I can not even describe to you the pure horror I felt when watching this video, filmed by my mums friend, for the first time. I can only liken it to watching a rabid animal lose all control and deciding it should probably be put down. I’ve watched it many times since and still can not stop the blush spreading through my cheeks as I think ‘who the hell would do that…Oh wait, it’s me.’ The video has been shared with close friends and has earned me the nickname ‘Sexual Lady,’ though thankfully it is only used when I’ve had a few too many on nights out and get a bit too enthusiastic when dancing to ‘S&M’ by Rihanna.