Girl Talk · Lists

Girls AKA Social Media Detectives

It’s pretty common knowledge that girls are a force to be reckoned with when it comes to detective work. Even if we can’t dig up the dirt ourselves it’s inevitable that we have a cousin with a friend with a sister who will have stumbled upon the information we’re seeking and, at some point, pass it on to us. Girls are relentless information sharers who will often support other girls whom we don’t even know by lending them a hand in a little social media stalking. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve kept tab on a boys Facebook page for a friend who he’d blocked when they were on a break. To put it quite honestly and bluntly, girls are absolutely crazy…But undeniably intelligent, sneaky and innovative when it comes to detective work.

1. Photo Liking – We have an ingrained 6th sense when it comes to knowing who has liked what photo. Whether on Instagram or Facebook, or even a Favorite on Twitter, we will know. This comes in handy when a boy is protesting innocence and you can calmly state the names of all 8 girls whose photos he has ‘liked’ in the last 2 months. We can even recall the exact outfits said girls were wearing and therefore incriminate you even more as, lets just go ahead and say it, were you really liking that photo for her winning smile? No, it was a photo of her in a bikini in Ibiza. You liked it for her tits. (P.S I bet any males reading this weren’t aware of the feature on Facebook which allows you to search specifically for photos liked by an individual. I’m not going to go into details because it’s an extremely useful tool in female detective-work, but it’s there guys, and we’re not afraid to use it.)

2. Outright Stalking – Girls have been known to go into a state of panic whenever their boyfriend/love interest/ex goes away on a lads holiday. Rest assured that we deal with this psychotic paranoia by harnessing all our detective skills at once. It’s quite common for a female to trawl through every single photo posted on a clubs page just incase the boy in question happens to be in the background. They are often zoned in on by our extremely useful Eagle Eye, which can quite literally distinguish the back of your head from a thousand others. We can determine you from the crowd by analyzing a square inch of tattoo and concluding that yes, that is your sleeve-covered arm draped around another girl. One step further would be checking out anybody who’d tagged themselves at a specific place on the night we knew you’d been there too. Oh, their photos are public? Well hello, I wonder what I’ll come across here…

3. Phone Detective Work – I have a lot of friends who’ve stumbled upon incriminating evidence on their boyfriends phones before. I myself once decided to look through a partners call and message history while he was downstairs in the shower. As I scrolled I came across all the expected names of his best friends, his boss, his mother…Until suddenly an unsaved number was cropping up an uncomfortable amount of times. Short phone calls, texts…My heart was racing as I imagined him contacting what was clearly a secret lover behind my back. I grabbed my phone and snapped a photo of the number in question, vowing to investigate it the moment I had a chance. He came back from his shower and I spent the rest of the evening in smug indifference as I planned how to confront him the next day. He finally left. I message my best friend instantly and she was as outraged and eager as me to uncover the mystery woman behind the number. She took it upon myself to call it for me, analyze the voice, try to get a name if possible. A few minutes later my phone rang and it was her – I answered feeling sick the stomach, ready to digest the name of whoever my boyfriend had been cheating with. “Is this a piss take?” She screams. Oh shit, I think, it must be somebody we know. Voice shaking and ready to burst into tears I ask for the name. “It’s you. The number is yours. It’s your number!” She is shrieking at me. I’d been so blinded by rage and jealousy, so caught up in imagining all the ways he’d gone behind my back, so convinced that I was a woman wronged, that I hadn’t even recognized my own phone number. While this story focuses upon a time when sheer craziness got the better of me, it does highlight the lengths a girl will go to if she suspects foul play. (In this case of course the only foul play was that he for some reason didn’t have my number saved. I chose to forgive on this occasion purely because he hadn’t in fact been cheating on me.)

4. Memory Recall – Girls are renowned for the ability to recall names said in passing which may require investigation work at a later date. If a boyfriend mentions the name of another female in passing, whether double-barreled or extremely exotic and hard to remember, we make a mental note. If it crops up again, the investigation can proceed at full force. Every social media account will be scoured and every photo examined for likes and comments. If there are any from him (God help you Sir), the process can extend to include second-party input, including casual questions about her to mutual friends. It came to my attention recently that this is something which has been going on for generations. A 50-year old woman (who may or may not be my mum) confessed that years ago she’d go through her husbands phone, making a note of any numbers she didn’t recognize, and sit down to phone each one the next day while he was at work. If a female voice answered there would be an elaborate plan in place to find out who she was, such as dropping in a random name (‘Oh sorry, is that Anne?’) to coax out her identity. Why hire a private detective when we are completely capable ourselves?

While this post may portray females as completely unhinged, it also highlights the problems of social media in our generation. While of course people still cheated and acted disloyally before Twitter, before Facebook, before Instagram, all these devices simply make it easier for both men and women to connect with people they shouldn’t be connecting with. Some would argue that trust is essential in a relationship and women shouldn’t be with a man if they feel the need to check up on his online behaviour. I would argue that, sadly, many who do this investigatory work end up finding the results they were looking for, often outing a cheating partner thanks to their suspicions. I could try to pass this off as a ‘moral of the story is that cheating is wrong’ post. But I’m just going to be entirely honest and say that the moral of the story is – Don’t underestimate a girl because she will undoubtedly hack into every account you’ve ever owned, including the Bebo you abandoned when you were 13, and she will most probably find something.

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