Alcohol Tales · Girl Talk · Lists

15 Female Thoughts – On a Night Out

Throughout the average girls night out there is a continuous symphony of thoughts going on in the background – These thoughts are varied in content and can fluctuate dramatically between the hours of 11p.m to 1a.m depending on the amount of shots ingested.

Here are 15 Female Thoughts on a Night Out –

1. Entering the club – I’m not drunk enough. Everyone is laughing comfortably and coolly and here I am contemplating how the hell I am going to dance when, at this current moment, having limbs feels like the most awkward inconvenience ever. What am I meant to do with my arms? I’m getting a shot.

Sober

2. I am at the bar and suspicious of everyone. The guy standing too close to me on my left is clearly trying to spike my drink and the guy standing too close to me on my right is clearly trying to simultaneously steal my clutch bag and grope my bum.

3. Cocktails are colorful and fruity and delicious and make me feel like I am a tropical bird of paradise. I shall get two more.

4. I always have the best conversations with my friends when we’re all sharing one toilet cubicle and taking turns to wee, we should do this more often as bonding time. Why must the toilet attendant judge us. I will buy a lollypop to appease her.

5. Red lipstick has never suited me but here I am borrowing a strangers Chanel Rouge and smearing lashings around my mouth because it will suit me tonight. I am a bird of paradise after all and almost able to draw within the lines still. Mwah, look at my glowing red beak.

6. Why did I feel like a newborn Deer in heels when I left the house? This is so easy. Striding around like a catwalk model, descending stairs without even holding the railings. I was born to walk in heels.

7. Why have I just made all sorts of plans I know I will not be able to stick to. Me and the girls are now going on holiday in 4 months, to a festival in 3, joining a fitness class and all moving in together. Wholeheartedly agreeing to every suggestion despite not having the funds/willpower/desire to stick to them.

Decisions

8. Drunk texts sent. At least 4 people are now aware that I love them, including a distant cousin I have never actually met in person. Good deed for the night done.

9. We are owning this dance floor and nobody can stop us. Hair flipping and swaying and singing along to the music. If I mumble noncommittally to the verse of this song nobody will suspect that I only know one line from the chorus.

10. Heartfelt conversation occurring in a booth and someone is crying over unrequited love. I am ordering shots. Tequila is a healer.

11. Why is my belly fizzing and bloating to create the illusion of a 5 month pregnancy. I shouldn’t have worn such a clingy dress. I have an alcohol baby inside of me. I wonder if I’ll ever have a real baby. What should I call it? Something fun, like Malibu. It would be a Party Baby. A Party Baby that would come dancing right out of my womb.

12. Had a meaningful conversation with the bouncer after he warned me and the girls that we shouldn’t drink any more. I got this. I’ve pleaded sobriety and tactfully changed the subject onto his life story – I now know that his name is Barry, he’s 54 and recently divorced. I leave him with “I hope you have a nice life and wish you all the best.” Satisfied that he is now convinced that we’re classy and mature women who can take care of themselves.

I Got This

13. Cheesy chips are on my mind. Nothing matters to me more in this moment than cheesy chips.

14. My ankles feel like they’re about to snap. Oh shit, the lights are going on. I can no longer pass for a bird of paradise in the glaring lights which signal home time. Swift exit needed.

15. I find it offensive that the taxi driver has threatened us. “If you be sick in the car, you have to pay.” He is refusing to turn the radio up despite our pleas. He is now taking the long route home to punish us for whining and I shall begin my defiant speech on not taking advantage of vulnerable young women, mainly because I’m down to my last fiver so wouldn’t be able to afford a higher fare. Realize the ‘taxi driver’ is in fact my friends dad.

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