I think I speak for most women when I say that we are the biggest culprits of irrational thinking. Give us 5 minutes to over think a situation and we’ll jump to conclusions quicker than the time it would take for most men to even realize said situation is even occurring. Our minds work in weird ways. In analyzing our thoughts too much we can conjure up scenarios and issues that will most probably never happen, despite the fact that we’ve already worked out 5 different ways to deal with them in our head. Here are some examples…
1. Pregnancy scares. We put on three pounds or have a sudden craving for a food we haven’t eaten in years. Instant conclusion – We must be pregnant. Serious discussions with friends ensue in which “I think I need to buy a pregnancy test” is murmured in hushed and sombre tones. This can occur even if we haven’t had a sexual partner for the past 6 months or more. Have you never heard of those women who randomly plop a baby out in a public toilet after being unaware of their pregnancy for a whole 9 months? You can never be too careful.
2. The police are driving behind us. We have no points on our license and are 3 miles under the speed limit but paranoia takes over and we are convinced they will pull us over and discover a dead body/kilo of heroin/family of illegal immigrants in the boot. The whole drive consists of nervous glances in the rear view mirror until the police car turns off and we sigh in relief, safe that we have managed to conceal the imaginary incriminating objects and avoid a life senescent in prison.
3. Deconstructing texts is probably one of the biggest examples. You should be really very careful when texting a woman. One comma out of place can lead to us assuming you are sleeping with your neighbors wife’s second cousin. Seriously. We will analyze and break down a text (often with friends) until the words don’t even make sense anymore. If you seem a little blunt and use ‘ok’ instead of ‘okay’ we will gravely plan out the end of our relationship because surely you are planning to break up with us. And God forbid you forget to put a ‘x’ at the end. We will also do the same when sending our own texts, especially during an argument, ensuring each sentence is carefully crafted and often proof-read by a friend before hitting send.
4. Don’t look at me. If somebody looks at us the wrong way, or for a second too long, we will complete a mental checklist of possible things that may have gone wrong with our appearance today. Skirt tucked into knickers, lipstick on teeth, forgot to wear a bra, those sorts of things. I was once out for dinner and the woman on the table next to me kept giving me such persistent sideways glances that I almost had a mental breakdown trying to work out what exactly she was looking at. I was on the verge of taking my plate of pasta into the toilet so I could just eat it in front of a mirror and figure out what about me was forcing her to consider me so often and with such interest. When I left the restaurant she took the opportunity to ask me what I used to curl my hair – The reason for her persistent stare. I was relieved to know she hadn’t been staring because she’d identified some odd new limb sprouting from my body that I hadn’t yet noticed but still, I wish she’d have just asked earlier to save me the panic. Come on, girl code.
5. Do you like me? But like, how much? Women really like to know whether people like them. After meeting a friend of a friend, or a boyfriend parents, or our cousins 3 month old baby, we will take the first opportunity given to ask whoever introduced us if they liked us. Offhand comments are not permitted as answers. If somebody tells us “Steve said you seemed like a nice girl” we will probe relentlessly until we can conclude something a bit more substantial. I mean, ‘seemed‘ like a ‘nice‘ girl? Who uses such noncommittal words? Come on, they either thought I was absolutely amazing or an utter bitch who they wish to never meet again. Either way we want to know and will spend the next fortnight dwelling over the first impression we made unless you tell us. I also get really offended if a friends pet doesn’t seem enthralled by my presence upon first meeting.
And there you have it, 5 examples of how the female mind is both completely out of control and utterly brilliant. We may over think things to death and drive ourselves crazy in the process but you can’t deny it equips us for any and every situation that could ever arise. It is particularly helpful for arguments for which we’ve planned a handful of responses for just incase they ever become a reality. While irrational thinking can be really inconvenient to deal with, I personally believe it is an evolutionary skill designed to keep us sharp in the modern world. How on earth are women supposed to weed out potential unfaithful partners without the use of text deconstruction? (The moral of the story is to never forget to put an ‘x’ at the end of your texts, boys. Remember this and you’ll be okay.)