If you haven’t read my post ’15 Female Thoughts – On a Night Out’ then I suggest you read that first. This post covers the slightly more sinister side of the night out…The hangover.
The female hangover is far more than a case of nursing a headache and ordering a takeaway. It is an emotional roller coaster of doubt, self-loathing and carefully pondered questions; often leading to a poor life choice or two. A hungover female is not a creature to be approached without extreme caution.
Here are 15 Female Thoughts on a Hangover –
1. Waking up with a full face of make up in a bed littered with crumbs. Who the hell emptied half a bag of Doritos onto my pillow? Stumbling over to the mirror. Oh. Judging from the coating of orange powder around my mouth it was probably me.
2. Checking phone to find a bombardment of texts, mostly from people asking if I got home okay/survived the night. Was I really that bad? Surely not. Hang on a minute, video evidence on Facebook. Yes, the girl doing her dolphin impression in the middle of the bar is an absolute disgrace…Let me untag myself before anybody realizes it’s me.
3. I am an embarrassment and convinced everybody hates me. I am the least classy girl in the world and the only way I shall ever find a husband is to move abroad under a new identity. All this decided whilst hoovering up the Dorito crumbs from the bed (With my fingers. Straight into my mouth.)
4. Mustering the energy to peel last nights outfit from my broken body as it appears I slept in it. Discovering multiple bruises. I assume a priest snuck into my room and performed an exorcism on me last night, causing me to bounce off the walls, as I don’t remember falling over. I am going to become so pure. Googling detox and yoga.
5. Pretending to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in front of parents while sneaking a packet of paracetamol back up to my room. Despite the fact I got in at 3a.m I don’t think my ego could survive one more judgmental look. The whole illusion is ruined when they hear me being sick in their en suite.
6. Delete all evidence of drunk texts and they no longer exist.
7. Emptying out the clutch bag to reveal a few 5ps, a smashed compact powder, half a cigarette and a few chips from the kebab shop. Would it be wrong of me to just have a taste of…Shut up. Be classy.
8. Confidence is at an all time low. Even the Valencia Instagram filter couldn’t fix this.
9. Trip to the Co Op wearing pajama bottoms and a hoodie with unbrushed hair and a frantic look in my eye. A shop assistant stalks me down every single aisle because how could a girl in this state be anything other than a thief? Counting out 20ps to pay for my Gingsters pastie, Fanta and onion ring crisps. The boy serving me has pity in his eyes and I attempt an unconvincing smile as I leave. He watches me go, traumatized.
10. Neediness creeps in. Stroking my own hair because nobody else is there to do it for me. Even if I had company they probably wouldn’t do it. (It is sticky with Sambuca and needs a wash.)
11. Thank God I don’t have children. I can barely look after myself in this condition. Leads me to the thought that my future children probably hate me before they are even born. I wish somebody would look after me like I am child or at least let me cling to them like a baby monkey.
12. The poor decision to watch a romantic film is made. Tragic tears are lost while watching sensitive boys loving beautiful girls who never, ever get too drunk. These girls know their limits. Perhaps a Disney film would be a little easier to stomach?
13. Silently sobbing at Frozen while contemplating why I am not a talented singer, why I do not have hair 30 inches long and why my eyes are not big enough to cover one third of my face.
14. The end is nigh.
15. Going to sleep on Sunday night trying to prepare myself to act like a professional and sensible individual at work tomorrow. At least I have showered and there is (probably) no further trace of Dorito crumbs in my hair. That is the most they can expect from me on a Monday.