Lists

10 Things I Probably Shouldn’t Admit to (But Will Anyway)

Sometimes we all need to get things of our chest. It doesn’t even have to be anything massive like confessing to a murder; just admitting that you stole a bracelet from Claire’s Accessories when you were 13 feels good. (Please note: The following isn’t a murder confession, as dramatic as that would be, so no getting your hopes up please.) We all have a few things we keep mostly to ourselves purely because they aren’t things that should be broadcast aloud, whether because it would destroy a social situation or unleash the judgement of hell upon you. Well I’m bored of this now and, as a committed oversharer, here are 10 things I shouldn’t admit to but am going to anyway:

  1. I regularly lie to the ASOS delivery driver. I am an avid online shopper to the point where I can receive up to 3 deliveries a week. If it’s a weekend and I’m hungover I’ll answer the door to him in such a sorry state that I have no choice but to blurt out “Please do excuse me, I’m not very well today…” This would be fine if it didn’t happen every single time he delivers to me. When I was unemployed for a few months inbetween graduating and getting a new job I wouldn’t get dressed for days on end. I made no effort with myself at all and as a result looked like a freshly dug up corpse. The poor deliveryman must have wondered why the hell this dying girl was buying so many clothes when she clearly didn’t have long left to wear them. “Sorry, I have flu,” I’d lie as I took my parcel of 3 new going out dresses from him. My mum has taken in most of my recent deliveries while I’m at work so it’s safe to say the deliveryman is assuming I have finally passed away and that my mother has now taken over my ASOS account.

  2. I find animals cuter than babies and I’m sorry if that makes me a bad person. I mean look at a puppy and then look at a baby. I also find most babies look the same so my only compliment to a new mother/father is basically just “Yep, thats definitely a baby you’ve given birth to there. Well done.” This doesn’t actually just apply to babies now that I think about it. I think animals are more good looking than human beings in most case to be honest.

  3. Dear Mr. Johnson who used to teach me Maths. When me and Becky asked you if we could sing a maths related song at the front of the class and then sung a song about monobrows instead, it was inspired by you. I’m sorry. Eyebrows weren’t in fashion at the time and we were heartless, immature 14 year olds who didn’t think how it might hurt you. I hope you’re rocking those brows (erm, brow) still and making Cara Delevigne proud. Also I understand why you gave everyone in the class an Easter egg apart from us 3 weeks after we sung the monobrow song. It was punishment, we hurt each other and I hope we are now all at peace.

  4. I have a habit of rejecting male attention by sending them photos of themselves looking like a Transvestite if they try to talk to me. If a random guy I have no interested in talking/have never even met messages me on Facebook I’ll take it upon myself to edit his photo and give him a lovely makeover, complete with lipstick and a wig, and send him that back as a response. They usually aren’t as persistent after that but surprisingly it has inspired some and unleashed an inner femininity they never knew they had. I wish them the best of luck in this as long as it doesn’t involve any more messages to me reading ‘hey bbe u ok lol wuu2.’

  5. There is one friend who I send the most horrific snapchats to. These have ranged from images of me being sexually assaulted by an octopus (took 20 minutes to create this) to videos of me having a fake argument with my fake husband Barry who’s cheating with his secretary. Goes without question that she also received the video I filmed of myself crying at the last episode of Prison Break. (Michael Scofield I still love you.)

  6. I sing to my cat and give him more compliments than I have ever given to any human. It’s dangerously close to flirting.

  7.  I make elaborate stories in my head about strangers until I’m convinced I know the story of their lives better than my own. If I see an old man sitting on a bench on his own I’ll break my own heart imagining how his wife died 10 years ago and he’s never moved on, always carrying out their old routines by himself. My imagination runs away with me and I find myself getting so deep into the lives of strangers that I get quite emotional thinking of all these people I’ll never know anything about but can only wonder over. The reality is probably so far different from what I make up in my head but I find it really hard not to want to get into the heads of people I know nothing about.

  8. I own some horrific pajamas. Despite owning a drawer full of pretty feminine nightwear I will always gravitate towards an oversized maternity t-shirt reading ‘I Heart My Bump’ or some girl boxers with a picture of Kermit on that say ‘I love my BFF’ on the bum. I dress like a pregnant woman who is a fan of the Muppets.

  9. When I was 15 me and my friends used to get a man called Paul to buy our alcohol for us in the corner shop. We had to give him £2 so he could buy himself some beer. He had a tag on his ankle for attacking his friend with a baseball bat because he’d tried to steal his TV. Paul came into our lives one day when we were hanging around outside Spar in desperation and ended up asking him if he could buy us a bottle of the cheapest vodka. He gave us his number so we could contact him for future deals and it blossomed into a beautiful relationship of mutual benefit. It sounds so dodgy but he was honestly a very nice man.

  10. I’m horrifically stubborn and all those times my mum told me I would be cold and that I should have worn a coat she was absolutely right. I’m sick of pretending that going to the local grotty nightclub in hotpants and a crop top was a good idea when I spent the whole night shivering in the corner and frantically downing Sambuccas, hoping the fire in my belly would spread to my exposed legs. This year I’ve remedied this by buying what I think may be my first ever sensible winter coat, which I marched around the house in to show my mum how I have matured. I think she is very proud.

confess

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