Wondering

Contradict Yourself

I hate making decisions purely because I change my mind so often. I’m one of those indecisive people who will regret their food choice in a restaurant the second they take a bite because suddenly the pasta sounds so much more appealing than the pizza. The extremes of my indecisiveness can range from having an epic stand off with my own wardrobe before a night out because I can’t choose a dress, to fretting over huge life decisions like whether to go to Uni or not (I did end up going to Uni, technically. Though my actual, physical presence at lectures would probably suggest otherwise.)

Sometimes I get so wound up juggling the directions of my own life that I wish somebody could just lead me from place to place, like a dog. A little tug of the lead this way and off I’d trot, never questioning why or what will happen. I’d have a bowl of food placed in front of me a few times a day which would rescue me from the despair of opening cupboards and fridges and freezers until my hunger has got the better of me and I no longer have the strength to open even a packet of crisps. But then where’s the fun in that? As hard as everyday or long-term decisions are, they’re probably one of the only things we’re really in control of.

Decisions are good because, in most cases, they can be changed. I am a walking contradiction and it keeps me feeling alive. One night I can decide to be the mature, retiring adult who reads a crime thriller novel and goes to bed at a reasonable hour. The next night I can be a sambuca-slamming, uncontrollable mess who is escorted from the premises by the bouncer at her friends request because she outright refuses to leave of her own accord. (True story, sadly.) Changing our minds on what we want to do, how we want to behave, how we want to feel, lets us experience so many different lifetimes within just one. I refuse to decide whether I’m a country or a city girl because I love both the purity of walking a dog through a forest and the grittiness of London nightlife. I can want both and I can be both, because it’s okay to change your mind as much as you need to.

I hate the concept of restricting yourself to one ideology and feeling pressured to tuck yourself safely within the borderlines it allows you. I’ve tried this sort of confinement and it isn’t for me. Who is anybody to tell me that I can’t like cute videos of motherly cats adopting baby squirrels and simultaneously like watching zombies ripping the faces off of screaming innocents on The Walking Dead? One day I might cringe at gore and crave the simple comforts of Doug the Pug, the next I might make an inappropriate and savage joke about bathing in the blood of a Virgin. People vary and fluctuate; they wouldn’t have made such a good go at this whole civilization thing if they didn’t.

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The Walking Dead – Pug Edition

For those of you who haven’t witnessed Doug the Pug’s rendition of The Walking dead, find it here.

Change your mind and change your mind again – Just because you said you wanted something yesterday doesn’t mean you have to tick along wanting that for the rest of your life. This goes for everything, but especially relationships. There’s nothing worse than seeing somebody gradually chipping away at themselves by sticking around in a relationship despite the fact that deep down their mind is in an entirely different place to where it was when it began. To outgrow a person or the situation they provide for you and to stay put, pretending to still want the same and that you can still offer the same, is to deny your own free will as a human being. Maybe you want more love or excitement, less insecurity and arguments or just something new. It’s okay to want different things, because to remain attached to an old situation that doesn’t suit your new needs prevents any form of growth or satisfaction in the end. We have conscious thought and free will for a reason and that reason is to guide us away from situations we have learned enough from and towards new experiences which we crave deeply without even recognizing it.

Contradiction is so commonly seen as a bad thing. It shocks people only because we’re all so used to expecting consistency. But what can really be so bad about changing? Just because you’re singing a different song to the one you were before doesn’t mean it’s not still your own voice.

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