When a female steps into the realms of dating it is not something to be taken lightly. We have the tendency to not only over-analyze everything but also to live out elaborate fantasies in our head. This dangerous combination means that we could either be convincing ourselves that the man we’re on a first date with is a serial killer or planning a very serious future with him (complete with marriage and kids) – There really is no way of telling. Because of this, here is an insight into 15 female thoughts on a date.
1. I am going to drink one small glass of wine before I go just to calm the nerves. Despite this, I will wholeheartedly protest when he asks if I’ve been drinking because said glass turned into ¾ of a bottle and I am now ever so slightly tipsy.
2. I am wearing delicate matching underwear though he’s not going to see it (yet). Feeling smug knowing that I’m the sort of girl who’s got it so together that her bra and knickers are the exact same shade of red. Every time I go to the toilet I will smirk, admiring my own underwear like the secret seductress I am. 3 of my friends have received a selfie of me posing crudely in aforementioned Ann Summers set (didn’t want it to go to waste.)
3. Outfit co-ordination is so difficult. What if I wear a dress and he turns up in extremely casual ripped jeans? What if I wear jeans and he turns up in a sequinned dinner jacket? What if he turns up naked? Oh god.
4. He’s held the door open for me. I have thanked him and walked in, strikingly aware that he is probably observing my bum. Half hoping he is because it looks good in this dress, half hoping he isn’t because I’m supposed to be a respectable lady who dates only men with their virginity still intact.
5. I am absolutely starving and poring over the menu, refraining myself from drooling. It has all sorts of nice things on it. Cocktails, wine, vodka, shots. (Yes, it’s the drinks menu.) I wonder if we will end up doing shots together later? That would be quite romantic.
6. He mentions that he’s been to the Caribbean. I know you have, I discovered them on your Facebook weeks ago, so am very aware that you went with your ex. When he mentions that he had a ‘good time’ I turn a little quiet and offish for the next 10 minutes. He is completely oblivious to the reason for this but it’s difficult to keep my head in the game when I am now visualizing him and his previous girlfriend making exotic love in a hammock hung between palm trees.
7. He mentions that he likes dogs and I inwardly celebrate. If he’d declared himself an animal-hater I would have probably made a vicious snipe about him having no soul and told him upfront that if he can’t bear to stroke my cat and dog nicely then he certainly won’t be stroking me either.
8. He’s wearing decent shoes which means he has potential. I’m not too keen on his top but that’s something we can address together at a later date.
9. He checks his phone and I wonder if it’s because he has received a message from any of the 4 moderately good looking girls he followed on Instagram last week. I smile politely and unaffectedly but, when he looks away, my eyeballs are straining painfully in their sockets to try to determine in a split second whether the name on the top of his message is male or female.
10. He has referred to something as being ‘cheeky.’ I can’t remember what it was. It may have been a ‘cheeky Nandos’ or it may have been a ‘cheeky tequila’, I just don’t know because I am so aghast with the fact that he seemed absolutely serious when he used the term. I consider devolving my own language into ‘Lad Banter’ and start calling him ‘mate.’
11. In the toilets texting updates to a friend. She is asking if I’ve drank too much and I’m denying it through means of a text reading ‘No it fine. I have a mere 3 glasses of wine. I love you so much xxx.’ She immediately sends me a warning that I am drunk and tells me to take the date more seriously. I return to my date smiling knowingly and setting down 2 new drinks I’ve just bought on the table, to show him I am a strong independent woman who don’t rely on no man to pay her way. Also maybe just because I wanted another and it was polite to get him one too.
12. I wonder if he’s going to ever be my boyfriend. I can’t really imagine us doing boyfriend and girlfriend things together. I bet he’s texting other girls. Oh my god, what if he’s seeing other people? I am sure he is. He’s cheating on me. If he isn’t now, then I am fully prepared that he is planning on doing it in the future.
13. Realizing that I’m not very good at flirting and stressing that we will end up friend-zoning each other. I attempt come-to-bed eyes but when I catch myself in the reflection of my wine glass it seems that I may have actually been looking at him in the same way that Gollum looks at The One Ring.
14. My breath is a tempting concoction of wine which wasn’t purchased in a 3 for a tenner deal and the garlic bread I ordered with dinner. Wine is delightfully posh and garlic is very Parisian. If we kiss I am going to taste like the epitome of class.
15. Is he going to kiss me goodbye? Will it be a hug? Handshake? Is he going to peck me on the cheek like an Aunt who insists on continuing with the physical contact deemed necessary when I was a child? I highly doubt a second date is on the cards so I might just resort to settling for an awkward wave.
Good luck with the dating world, ladies and gentlemen. I thank the universe daily that I don’t need to be a part of it, but I’m sure you’ll all do absolutely fine. Just remember – Facebook stalking is key and prevents a lot of wasted time. (Just don’t admit that you’ve done it until at least the third date.)